From Uncertainty to Clarity: A Journey Guided by Heartful Order
A Journey of Subtle Shifts
I once heard a quote by Nobel Prize-winning chemist Ilya Prigogine: “When a complex system is far from equilibrium, small islands of coherence in a sea of chaos have the capacity to shift the entire system to a higher order.” This quote now feels like it speaks directly to what I’ve been experiencing over the past few years. A series of subtle shifts, some small, others seismic, but all leading to something more coherent, more aligned with my heart. As I reflect on my life’s unfolding, I can see how my own journey—from fear and doubt to moments of clarity—has created a ripple effect, similar to the way Ilya describes. These small moments of coherence are shifting me, and perhaps us all, toward a higher order of being.
In January 2022, I experienced one of those shifts when I was unexpectedly invited to attend a writing retreat at the private residence of Joyce Maynard in Lake Atitlán, Guatemala. Despite my deep fear of flying, the long journey ahead, and the uncertainty of traveling alone with a stranger joining me at JFK airport from New Hampshire, I felt an undeniable pull to go. It was a decision that challenged me physically and emotionally, but in hindsight, I know that was the start of a silent transformation.
Facing Fear, Embracing Faith
I flew five hours across the sky, followed by two and a half hours by car, and a final boat ride to Casa Paloma. Leaving my family behind and being with myself since 2009 terrified me. I missed my children and my husband deeply. Yet, once I arrived, something shifted inside me. I knew this was the beginning of a journey for my soul. For the first time in years, I was away for nine days. The solitude and magic of Lake Atitlán provided the space I desperately needed.
During my stay at Joyce’s home, I wrote, reflected, and practiced yoga by the lake. I enjoyed delicious home-cooked meals prepared by the extraordinary chef, Rosa, and participated in a 3-hour crystal healing session that was like nothing I had experienced before. It was a deep process that allowed me to access parts of myself that had long been out of balance. In addition to these transformative experiences, I learned about the local coffee and honey-making processes and translated from English to Spanish for my fellow writers. The beauty of the lake, surrounded by the looming presence of the San Pedro volcano, was a constant reminder that nature and peace hold the power to heal.
The Heartful Retreat
Returning home a few days after the spring equinox, I faced the unexpected challenge of contracting COVID-19. But more than that, I returned changed—something subtle and profound had shifted within me. Though I couldn’t fully understand it at the time, I knew that the retreat had ignited something inside. A transformation had started, one that would unfold over the next year in ways I couldn’t yet foresee.
That fall, my husband and I conceived Sage, just before the winter solstice. I had been meditating on heart-based guidance, trying to understand what it meant to truly trust my intuition. During this time, I had a dream that still stays with me. It felt so real, almost like I was awake. My late mother-in-law appeared to me, offering calm reassurance. She told me that everything I was doing was okay, that I was okay. In the dream, I found myself in a shower, feeling this deep sense of peace as the warm water washed over me. I felt pure, free from any tension or worry. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but this dream was preparing me for something much bigger—a rebirth, not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically too.
Rebirth Through Fear and Faith
The pregnancy with Sage wasn’t easy. I developed severe preeclampsia, a complication I had encountered in my three previous pregnancies. I feared that I wouldn’t make it, and that my baby wouldn’t survive. I leaned into my faith, trusting in something greater than my fears. Despite the anxiety, I pressed forward, and Sage was born healthy at 37 weeks that following summer. But my recovery took much longer than I had expected. The physical effects lingered, and I still manage the long-term consequences, including taking medication to control my blood pressure.
During this time, I began to notice something else: an internal pull to withdraw from my relationships and social life. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around the people I love, but I felt a deep, powerful need to retreat and reflect, to reconnect with myself. This wasn’t about avoiding others but about a need to realign with my essence. Yet, I struggled to communicate this clearly to those I loved, and as a result, I unknowingly caused confusion. I feared confrontation and vulnerability, unsure of how to express that I needed time to focus on myself. Instead, I retreated, leaving many questions unanswered.
The Heartful Order Emerges
As I approached my 39th birthday last month, I felt another internal nudge—a need to reemerge—but from a different perspective. This time, I felt I would have to show up differently, seeing the world through a transformed lens.
On November 1st, Día de los Muertos, I participated in a Spanish meditation honoring my ancestors. I did so without expectations, simply following my intuition. The following day, something curious happened. I visited YouTube and found a video by an astrologer I follow—one I had dismissed just a week earlier. Something urged me to click on it, and in doing so, I discovered A Course in Miracles. Though I had heard of it before, I had resisted. But this time, it felt as though I was being called to explore a deeper, more spiritual path. I began my journey with the course, delving into its teachings on love, forgiveness, and the questioning of my long-held assumptions about life.
Looking Ahead
As I stand at this crossroads once again, I realize that the path ahead remains uncertain. What I know for sure is that I am experimenting with a new guiding philosophy: the four-step framework of heartpausing, heartvisioning, heartacting, and heartreflecting. This framework serves as a reminder that life is dynamic and ever-changing. Rather than resisting, I am choosing to move with the flow of life, to align with the currents that are leading me to a higher order. This is what I believe Heartful Order is about: not creating rigid control, but allowing for the emergence of something new, something aligned with love.
Looking ahead, I plan to share my journey through these steps in the coming year. From my spiritual exploration with A Course in Miracles to the ways I am learning to transform my relationships, career, and health, I hope what I share will inspire others to reflect on their own sense of order. I invite you to ask yourself: Is the order in your life coming from your heart, or is it coming from a mental, dogmatic place?
As I continue to experiment with Heartful Order, I am learning to embrace the unknown with curiosity and courage. And perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give ourselves—the courage to surrender to the flow of life and let our hearts lead the way.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi